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LONG SLEEVE
The same jokes, with sleeves. Heavyweight Cotton Heritage long sleeve, black only.
Blood Type Pumpkin Spice — Long Sleeve
My blood type is pumpkin spice.
Flannel On, Beer By 10AM — Long Sleeve
Flannel on, beer by 10am, no questions.
Here for the Cider Donuts — Long Sleeve
I'm just here for the cider donuts.
No-Costume Costume — Long Sleeve
I'm in costume as a guy who didn't wear a costume.
Dog in a Pumpkin — Long Sleeve
Sorry I'm late, I saw a dog in a pumpkin.
Guy Who Owes You Money — Long Sleeve
My costume is 'guy who owes you money.'
Food and Family Drama — Long Sleeve
Came for the food, stayed for the family drama.
Give Thanks, Argue Politics — Long Sleeve
Give thanks, eat too much, argue politics.
Napping Is My Favorite — Long Sleeve
Napping is my favorite part.
Hunting Season Wife — Long Sleeve
Hunting season: the only time my wife knows where I am.
Can't Fish This Time of Year — Long Sleeve
I hunt because I can't fish this time of year.
Deer Season Holiday — Long Sleeve
Deer season is my holiday season.
Sunday Funday — Long Sleeve
Sunday Funday: wings, bad decisions, yelling at the TV.
Armchair Coach — Long Sleeve
I'm not a coach, but I know more than that guy.
Tailgate Season — Long Sleeve
Tailgate season: beer, brats, and regret.
Logo Badge — Long Sleeve
Est. 2026. No warrant required.
Most Wanted — Long Sleeve
Charges include conspiracy to grill.
Porch Law — Long Sleeve
The dog is the bailiff. All arguments settled by cornhole.
I Didn't Do It — Long Sleeve
Nobody saw me do it. You can't prove anything.
Field Sobriety Test — Long Sleeve
Officer, I ain't drunk. I'm just committed to the bit.
College Diploma — Long Sleeve
Bachelor of 'It Seemed Like a Good Idea.'
Summer Rules — Long Sleeve
No Shoes. No Shirt. No Witnesses.
I'm the Co-Defendant — Long Sleeve
He said it was a bad idea. I said hold my beer. The court recognizes both statements as evidence.
I'm the Bad Idea — Long Sleeve
The matching half of the Co-Defendant pair.
My Alibi — Long Sleeve
The dog saw me. The dog don't talk.
I Plead the 5th… of Whiskey — Long Sleeve
Witnesses? Never Heard of Her — Long Sleeve
My Lawyer Told Me Not to Talk to You — Long Sleeve
My lawyer is my cousin Dale.
Establishing a Pattern — Long Sleeve
Not a Confession — Long Sleeve
The Alibi Generator — Long Sleeve
More Mugshots Than Yearbooks — Long Sleeve
Snitches Get Stitches — Long Sleeve
Yo Momma — So Dumb — Long Sleeve
Climbed a glass wall to see the other side.
Yo Momma — So Ugly — Long Sleeve
The haunted house gave her a job application.
Yo Momma — So Old — Long Sleeve
She taught dinosaurs how to be ugly.
Yo Momma — So Short — Long Sleeve
Does backflips under the rug.
Yo Momma — So Loud — Long Sleeve
The next county files a noise complaint.
Yo Momma — So Poor — Long Sleeve
When the light bill kicks in, the TV goes out.
Yo Momma — So Lazy — Long Sleeve
Has a remote for her remote.
Yo Momma — So Slow — Long Sleeve
The snail files a complaint for tailgating.
Yo Momma — So Cheap — Long Sleeve
Reuses tea bags for special occasions.
Yo Momma — So Fat — Long Sleeve
She got her own area code.
90s Nostalgia — Streetlights — Long Sleeve
90s Nostalgia — Cartridge — Long Sleeve
90s Nostalgia — Phones — Long Sleeve
90s Nostalgia — Directions — Long Sleeve
90s Nostalgia — House Phone — Long Sleeve
90s Nostalgia — Photos — Long Sleeve
90s Nostalgia — Music — Long Sleeve
90s Nostalgia — TV — Long Sleeve
90s Nostalgia — Dial-up — Long Sleeve
90s Nostalgia — Friends — Long Sleeve
Electrician — Long Sleeve
Plumber — Long Sleeve
Welder — Long Sleeve
Mechanic — Long Sleeve
HVAC Tech — Long Sleeve
Lineman — Long Sleeve
Carpenter — Long Sleeve
Handyman — Long Sleeve
Construction — Long Sleeve
Truck Driver — Long Sleeve
Not Arguing — Long Sleeve
I'm not arguing, I'm just explainin' why I'm right.
This Too Shall Pass — Long Sleeve
It might pass like a kidney stone, but it'll pass.
Like Your Wife Told You — Long Sleeve
If at first you don't succeed, hell, do it like your wife told you to.
Power-Save Mode — Long Sleeve
I ain't lazy, I'm just in power-save mode.
Old Man With a Tractor — Long Sleeve
Never underestimate an old man with a tractor.
Common Sense — Long Sleeve
Common sense is like deodorant — the folks who need it most never use it.
Porch and a Cooler — Long Sleeve
I don't need therapy, I got a porch and a cooler.
Wrong Once Before — Long Sleeve
I've been wrong once before. Back in '87. Turned out I wasn't.
Knees Predict Rain — Long Sleeve
My knees predict the rain better than the weatherman.
We Had a Hammer — Long Sleeve
Back in my day we didn't have self-care. We had a hammer.
Not Grumpy — Long Sleeve
I'm not grumpy, I just don't like you.
The Dog Listens — Long Sleeve
The dog listens. The TV don't talk back. That's why I'm out here.
All the Good Bands — Long Sleeve
I may be old, but I got to see all the good bands.
Hear About My Back — Long Sleeve
Ask me how I'm doin' and you gonna hear about my back.
Retired — Long Sleeve
I retired. Now I work whenever I feel like it. Which is never.
Lawn Maintenance — Long Sleeve
He mows. He poses. He reminds you to hydrate.
Grill Daddy — Long Sleeve
Medium rare. Medium effort. Maximum confidence.
Sponsored Content — Long Sleeve
Sponsored by no one. He just likes the attention.
DMs Open — Long Sleeve
DMs open for lawn care tips, grill recipes, and one blurry photo of the lawnmower. That's the content.
VIP Content — Long Sleeve
It's him fixing the sink. In slow motion. His 'blue-collar era.'
HOODIES
For porch season after dark. Gildan Heavy Blend hoodie, black only, S–5XL.
90s Nostalgia — Streetlights — Hoodie
90s Nostalgia — Cartridge — Hoodie
Blow. Tap. Pray. The original troubleshooting.
90s Nostalgia — Phones — Hoodie
Our phones were indestructible. Our bodies weren't.
90s Nostalgia — Directions — Hoodie
We survived on paper maps and pure spite.
90s Nostalgia — House Phone — Hoodie
We had to talk to your mom just to hang out.
90s Nostalgia — Photos — Hoodie
24 exposures. 0 do-overs. All memories.
90s Nostalgia — Music — Hoodie
We waited 3 hours for one song and liked it.
90s Nostalgia — TV — Hoodie
We had 4 channels and still found something.
90s Nostalgia — Dial-up — Hoodie
We waited for the internet. Out loud. Together.
90s Nostalgia — Friends — Hoodie
We had 3 friends and all of them would help hide a body.
Electrician — Hoodie
Welder — Hoodie
FALL LINE
Pumpkin spice, flannel, deer season and yelling at the TV. Seasonal — here while the leaves are.
Blood Type Pumpkin Spice
My blood type is pumpkin spice.
Flannel On, Beer By 10AM
Flannel on, beer by 10am, no questions.
Here for the Cider Donuts
I'm just here for the cider donuts.
No-Costume Costume
I'm in costume as a guy who didn't wear a costume.
Dog in a Pumpkin
Sorry I'm late, I saw a dog in a pumpkin.
Guy Who Owes You Money
My costume is 'guy who owes you money.'
Food and Family Drama
Came for the food, stayed for the family drama.
Give Thanks, Argue Politics
Give thanks, eat too much, argue politics.
Napping Is My Favorite
Napping is my favorite part.
Hunting Season Wife
Hunting season: the only time my wife knows where I am.
Can't Fish This Time of Year
I hunt because I can't fish this time of year.
Deer Season Holiday
Deer season is my holiday season.
Sunday Funday
Sunday Funday: wings, bad decisions, yelling at the TV.
Armchair Coach
I'm not a coach, but I know more than that guy.
Tailgate Season
Tailgate season: beer, brats, and regret.
THE ORIGINALS
Core badges and porch law. The ones that started the rap sheet.
Logo Badge
Est. 2026. No warrant required.
Most Wanted
Charges include conspiracy to grill.
Porch Law
The dog is the bailiff. All arguments settled by cornhole.
I Didn't Do It
Nobody saw me do it. You can't prove anything.
Field Sobriety Test
Officer, I ain't drunk. I'm just committed to the bit.
College Diploma
Bachelor of 'It Seemed Like a Good Idea.'
Summer Rules
No Shoes. No Shirt. No Witnesses.
ALIBI COLLECTION
Shirts that hold up in court. Mostly. Lawyer not included (it is Dale).
I'm the Co-Defendant
He said it was a bad idea. I said hold my beer. The court recognizes both statements as evidence.
I'm the Bad Idea
The matching half of the Co-Defendant pair.
My Alibi
The dog saw me. The dog don't talk.
I Plead the 5th… of Whiskey
Witnesses? Never Heard of Her
My Lawyer Told Me Not to Talk to You
My lawyer is my cousin Dale.
Establishing a Pattern
Not a Confession
The Alibi Generator
More Mugshots Than Yearbooks
Snitches Get Stitches
YO MOMMA
30 years of playground warfare, now on cotton.
Yo Momma — So Dumb
Climbed a glass wall to see the other side.
Yo Momma — So Ugly
The haunted house gave her a job application.
Yo Momma — So Old
She taught dinosaurs how to be ugly.
Yo Momma — So Short
Does backflips under the rug.
Yo Momma — So Loud
The next county files a noise complaint.
Yo Momma — So Poor
When the light bill kicks in, the TV goes out.
Yo Momma — So Lazy
Has a remote for her remote.
Yo Momma — So Slow
The snail files a complaint for tailgating.
Yo Momma — So Cheap
Reuses tea bags for special occasions.
Yo Momma — So Fat
She got her own area code.
90s NOSTALGIA
For anyone who blew in a cartridge and believed.
90s Nostalgia — Streetlights
Our parents didn't know where we were. Neither did we. It was great.
90s Nostalgia — Cartridge
Blow. Tap. Pray. The original troubleshooting.
90s Nostalgia — Phones
Our phones were indestructible. Our bodies weren't.
90s Nostalgia — Directions
We survived on paper maps and pure spite.
90s Nostalgia — House Phone
We had to talk to your mom just to hang out.
90s Nostalgia — Photos
24 exposures. 0 do-overs. All memories.
90s Nostalgia — Music
We waited 3 hours for one song and liked it.
90s Nostalgia — TV
We had 4 channels and still found something.
90s Nostalgia — Dial-up
We waited for the internet. Out loud. Together.
90s Nostalgia — Friends
We had 3 friends and all of them would help hide a body.
TRADE DIVISION
For the ones who actually build, fix, and keep it running. Worn on the job, probably against dress code.
Electrician
I show up late, look confused, charge $400.
Plumber
I've seen shit that would make you cry.
Welder
I play with fire and get paid for it.
Mechanic
I can't fix stupid, but I can fix what stupid broke.
HVAC Tech
Your comfort is my business. Your bill is my retirement.
Lineman
We keep the lights on when the world goes dark.
Carpenter
Measure twice, swear once, cut anyway.
Handyman
I fix stuff and I know things.
Construction
Sorry I'm late. I didn't want to come.
Truck Driver
I get paid to make bad decisions in a big rig.
COUNTRY
Porch wisdom, tractor pride, and opinions nobody asked for. For the folks who earned every gray hair.
Not Arguing
I'm not arguing, I'm just explainin' why I'm right.
This Too Shall Pass
It might pass like a kidney stone, but it'll pass.
Like Your Wife Told You
If at first you don't succeed, hell, do it like your wife told you to.
Power-Save Mode
I ain't lazy, I'm just in power-save mode.
Old Man With a Tractor
Never underestimate an old man with a tractor.
Common Sense
Common sense is like deodorant — the folks who need it most never use it.
Porch and a Cooler
I don't need therapy, I got a porch and a cooler.
Wrong Once Before
I've been wrong once before. Back in '87. Turned out I wasn't.
Knees Predict Rain
My knees predict the rain better than the weatherman.
We Had a Hammer
Back in my day we didn't have self-care. We had a hammer.
Not Grumpy
I'm not grumpy, I just don't like you.
The Dog Listens
The dog listens. The TV don't talk back. That's why I'm out here.
All the Good Bands
I may be old, but I got to see all the good bands.
Hear About My Back
Ask me how I'm doin' and you gonna hear about my back.
Retired
I retired. Now I work whenever I feel like it. Which is never.
ONLYDADS
The dad-bod thirst-trap division. He mows, he grills, he poses. Subscribe for lawn care tips and one blurry photo.
Lawn Maintenance
He mows. He poses. He reminds you to hydrate.
Grill Daddy
Medium rare. Medium effort. Maximum confidence.
Sponsored Content
Sponsored by no one. He just likes the attention.
DMs Open
DMs open for lawn care tips, grill recipes, and one blurry photo of the lawnmower. That's the content.
VIP Content
It's him fixing the sink. In slow motion. His 'blue-collar era.'